Dog Psychic Tells All

While Marsia Mason is off inserting herself into other people’s columns, her dog Lulu, a famed advice columnist and psychic, will answer questions, read minds and agitate the locals. Below are some of the more interesting exchanges she’s had over the last few weeks.

Dear Miss Lulu: I am wondering what qualifies you to give advice, considering your less-than-stellar background? Love, Just Blundering

Dear Blunderbuss: Thanks for writing to a dog! The less-than-stellar background you refer to is a slight to cardboard boxes everywhere. Yes, I was thrown from a moving car, and yes, I started my life in Camden. But look where I ended up! Moorestown! If that’s not a success story, I don’t know what is. I got my "advice column" degree at Rutgers/Rowan Camden. I am "sensing" some danger in your future, due to your lack of a real name. Avoid soft pretzels, binge drinking and judgmental Jersey girls.

Dear Lulu: I’ve noticed people don’t like your owner very much. Is Marcy as vain, obnoxious and opinionated in real life? Sincerely, Town Whiner 

Dear Whiny: Oh no! Marsha’s much worse. Just recently, she knocked down an old woman in the Wegman’s parking lot AND stole her groceries. She has never done a good deed in her life. She also seems to think writing a column entitles her to prate on and on about herself and her opinions. I worship her, although I wish she would get her roots touched up and give me more Milk-Bones.

Dear Lulu: The political scene in Moorestown has gotten very contentious. Have you ever considered running? 

Of course I’ve considered running and DO run every afternoon on . Speaking of which, the drainage is so bad on the field it is carrying away my owner’s backyard. I am planning on resuscitating the snack bar there in an effort to fund my campaign in the mayoral race this fall. Surely an attractive dog like me has a shot at running this burg. My platform will be “.” I don’t know one pooch in town that likes that stuff.

Hey Lulu, it has been rumored you plan on buying one of the . What kind of restaurant do you plan on opening? Love, Wiener Dog

Dear Wiener: Because the term "" is open to interpretation, I am planning to open a “Doggy Diner” at the Mo’town Mall. The cuisine will appeal to both humans and canines, especially with multiple cocktails featuring amusing names like “Downward Dog” and “Dirty Water-Bowl Swill.” More and more people are treating their dogs as spoiled children, so this venture is sure to be successful and will greatly validate the widely held notion that Moorestown is "going to the dogs."

Lulu! Have you been following the GOP debates on TV? Love, Rush.

Love Rush! What a great name! That’s exactly what I get every time I watch one of the Republican debates. I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy watching the fabulously wealthy Mitt and the charmingly adulterous Newt duking it out on my very own HDTV. I love them both because of their one-syllable names, which BTW, would be perfect names for dogs. Hard for me to get behind Santorum, though. He’s a cat man.

Lu-Lu Licious! Any reading suggestions? I’m thinking us dogs need our own book group! xoxo Bark-ly.

Dearest Barkly: They don’t call me the “Book Group Whisperer” for nothing! Dog-themed books are always popular, as are books about cats dying slow and painful deaths. Bear in mind when you are drafting members, it helps to like the participants somewhat. Try not to include blowhards who think their opinions are more significant than yours and anyone with a hyphenated last name. 

Dear Loo Loo: What is the future of Main Street? I love your column, although I absolutely despise you. Fondly, Where-Wazz-I?

Dear Fuzzy Wazzy: Are you off your meds this week or are you just totally obtuse? I thought so! My predictions about Main Street can be found on my website, www.Mo’townzzzzzzzz.com. Long story short? I predict someday, one of Mo’town’s elected officials , but not until 2021, when the new town hall is built. In Maple Shade. Next to the custard stand.

Hey you! Heard you have some insider information on the lie-berry smell. What’s it all about, doggie? Sincerely, Alfie.

It’s about famine, disease and squalor. It’s about peace in the Mideast and a pork chop in every pot. It’s about medical marijuana and the worst drug of all: the nicotine in cigarettes. Sorry! I got sidetracked for a moment. Is that a squirrel? Where was I? It is called a , not a lie-berry. And really … how would you expect a poorly maintained, leaky building to smell? Of course we would all prefer it smell like prime rib or perhaps a nice Sunday roast, but the people that use the library on a regular basis know it is a wonderful resource and pay no attention to the smell. Heck! One patron has suggested bottling the fragrance and selling it to raise money for . Oh! Sorry! That wasn’t a patron, it was a member of town council.

After standing in for Marcie this week, Lulu can be found residing in the doghouse. All further questions and comments will be considered for publication at a later date.