I am going to disregard the fact that, as I sit here writing about autumn, the temperature is predicted to soar into the 80s. This is all my fault. My house is always 10 degrees colder than it is outside, so I did the clothing swap earlier in the week, bringing down bins of long sleeves and flannel, hauling up swimsuits and Phillies World Series 2011 T-shirts. Mo’town is like many small towns in autumn: Soccer games are in full swing, football teams are duking it out on the fields, some closets at home are being reorganized and garages are rearranged to actually house the car. There are many …

In the not-too-distant future, California will have one more thing to worry about. No, I am not talking about the discovery of another heretofore unknown ‘lil Schwarzenegger, I am talking about the millions of tons of debris that washed into the ocean after Japan’s catastrophic earthquake last March. Scientists have been using computer models to follow this detritus as it moves slowly towards our West Coast. The prediction is for this mass of cars, houses, rice-cookers, bad animation and sushi to reach Hawaii by next spring. The West Coast will have to wait until 2013 or 2014 for this …

In Illinois, the corn is as high as an elephant’s eye in every direction that I look. The stalks have turned a tawny yellow and the corn will be used to feed livestock, not people. In the distance, as if in a Wyeth painting, a silhouetted farmhouse sits. Beyond it, perhaps, a red barn oversees the endless fields of maize. This is Taylor’s turf; this is where both his parents are now buried. Wednesday is the quintessential September day: bright sun, the light somehow crisper, as if in anticipation of colder weather coming. We are leaving a very dreary, conventioneer-y Hyatt in the suburbs of …

Did you know Bahama Breeze is considered a "fine dining" establishment? Have you ever eaten at the above-mentioned restaurant and found it to be any more than just another link on a chain? I know I’m a food snob. I love good food and have mentioned on many occasions one of the reasons I don’t drink is I’d rather eat my calories. I do not consider that restaurant to be a fine dining establishment. But is this a foodie’s opinion or a bona fide fact? From various sources last week, we were bombarded by the news that the generous PREIT people have pledged if the voters pass both liquor …

Because I received my college degree in the fine arts, I feel highly qualified to discourse on the topic of parenting. I have been making observations for the past 21 years and have just now decided that there are certain patterns to the business of nurturing the young'uns from birth to that ultimate moment when they look at you, roll their eyes and leave for college. I spent the Labor Day weekend ensconced in someone else’s family because everyone in my house had gone off to parts both known and unknown, leaving me adrift in my new reality: lost mom. My BFF had invited me to LBI, where her …

As parents everywhere rejoice in the beginning of a new school year, I find myself looking forward to the cooler weather that autumn brings. Enough already with the Humidity Festival of 2011, the earthquakes and hurricanes! I’ve had it with tank tops, shorts and swimsuits. I am ready to root around in my attic for sweaters and jeans. But I have a problem. Between climate change and menopause, I may never wear wool again. Many women out there know what I’m talking about. It is one of the sad truths of being a middle-aged woman: You will have hot flashes, you will have insomnia, you will accept…

As someone who has lived through a major earthquake, the Northridge, I was in total denial when my house shook last Tuesday. “This doesn’t happen here,” I said to my son. He was just a baby in 1994, when we hid under the dining room table in California, watching the floor ripple in waves of tectonic fury while books fell from shelves and water pipes cracked invisibly, only to erupt months later at 3 a.m.  My first thought was "Hmmm. Perhaps Chris Christie has jumped into the presidential race! What else could shake the Garden State like this?" Californians, blasé and oh so smug, have been …

Between rabid raccoons and deadly mosquitoes, I’d say that Moorestown is a pretty dangerous place to be right now. Not to worry, though. It’s August and aliens have siphoned most residents up into their UFOs for experimentation. Their goal is to ascertain why Mo’towners are better at getting things done than the elected politicians. There is a real disconnect when the powers-that-be look at a petition signed by more than 1,400 citizens and STILL don’t get it. I fled to the beach with several expectations, one being that I’d turn off my daily routine, eat lots of fish and read each of the …

Moms, next time you can convince your husband to accompany you to the supermarket, I want you to try this teensy experiment. First of all, make sure you have a cranky infant with you. If you don’t have one of your own, borrow one from a neighbor. Also, having a toddler in the throes of the "terrible twos" is necessary for this assignment. Again, borrow if need be, but realize that by the time you finish your little experiment and attempt to return the fussy young’uns, the parents might have already debarked for St. Bart’s. Okay. Now. Pick the most crowded, female-cashiered checkout line. You …

You know you’re a South Jerseyan if you’ve never said the first “d” in Wildwood. If you’re a true Jerseyite, you say WILE-wood, or in some cases, WALL-wood. Just something for you to listen for, next time you’re talking about the SHEW-er with friends. We are possibly the only region of the country where the beach is referred to as “gaoin’ to the SHOE-ur.” I fought the whole Jersey accent thing by having a foreign mother, a strict grammarian for a father and by living in other parts of the country. My father claimed that I had picked up many Chicago-isms from living there almost ten years, and…

Welcome to Day 64 of this year’s "Heat and Humidity Festival!" If you’re like me, you have settled into a place called “Lower Lethargia.”  Your grass is brown, your birch trees are raining parched leaves, and your garden looks like the Mojave. Your total lack of ambition to do anything other than slouch inside the air conditioning means that you’ve been spending way too much time on your computer, which is great for Patch but not so great for your loved ones and the economy in general. You have probably been watching the bi-partisan meltdown in Washington and wondering how on earth there can …

For most of my adult life, I have gone to the gym at least three to five times a week. I have always believed in exercise, especially after one of the tattooed trainers at the gym told me that by age 40, a woman has to work out vigorously for one hour a day NOT to gain weight. I guess that means that once you’re in your 50s (like me) you have to work out for one hour every other hour so as not to gain weight! Yikes! It is tedious to work out, grindingly boring even, so one has to find ways to entertain oneself while exercising. An iPod is a necessity. Another boredom-beater is a game we play …

This is a multiple-choice question. Please feel free to stop reading right now if you don’t enjoy test taking or you have never been able to make up your mind about anything and instead rely on a Ouija Board to make all your important decisions. I do NOT want to see alcohol come to the Moorestown Mall because: a) I don’t need liquor in order to shop foolishlyb) I love paying high property taxes due to our lack of ratables in townc) I am afraid of changed) I don’t drink, ergo no one else should drink I have been avoiding this particular atomic bomb of a topic because of my mixed feelings and …

Did you know that ... 1) Bruce Springsteen originally wanted to call his first album Greetings From Memorial Field instead of Greetings From Asbury Park? The Boss was so impressed with the restroom facilities at Memorial Field that he wanted to glorify the bathrooms in song. His hit, “Born to Run,” was an inside reference to the facilities. 2) Stokes Hill was once the site of a UFO landing. According to eyewitnesses, aliens made their way to the building office where they were seen trying to get building permits. The process took so long that the aliens gave up and built a mega-mansion in the…

I am there, people. I am standing on the precipice, looking into the “kids-have-flown-the-coop” portion of my life with great anxiety and just a little relief that I will not be making school lunches anymore. Nor will I be dealing directly with the mess of the Moorestown School District. Phew!  I can say that aloud, now that my son has graduated. There can be no retribution now, no bad grades for my son because his mother has a big mouth. I will continue to support the school budget each spring because I am a citizen of this town, but I will no longer wear the “happy face” when it comes to …

My mother always told me that the best way to stay young was to hang around with young people. She also called me an idiot on more than one occasion, so I’m happy to report that I am following her advice by surrounding myself with young performers AND feeling idiotic as we prepare for MoorArts' Hairspray.   Set to open on July 8 for six performances, the cast is in mad rehearsal mode with less than a month to go. Being the oldest cast member (again!) gives me an insight into a process that might be of interest to sane readers who have never been in a theatrical production. Henceforth, my look…

We have been blessed lately with some phenomenal weather for our big events.  Memorial Day was almost summery, with its high humidity and perfect blue skies. Moorestown Day also saw a glorious day. Not too hot with just a sprinkling of late afternoon precipitation, the day was just about perfect. What was not perfect was the appearance of several yellow and black signs dotting retail establishments on Main Street, and the insinuations the signs were attempting to make. If for some reason you have no idea what I’m talking about, the sign proclaims in that "Young People Need Models Not Critics…

Even though I read the newspaper every morning before I go to work, there are many stories that I miss completely. I guess I could blame it on the fact that I am usually called away from my reading at least twice per morning to locate lost water bottles, misplaced gym shorts or to find out why the dogs are barking at the closet. I was stunned to discover, for example, that I had missed Boscov’s Famous Doily Event. I am guessing that you were unaware that such a mind-boggling event was taking place right on the other side of Route 38!  While we, the un-doilied Mo’town masses were toiling away…

There are some very sad women out there, lamenting the end of Oprah’s afternoon gabfest. And although I would sometimes catch snippets of Her Highness at the gym in the late afternoon, I can’t say that I was one of her slavish minions. Sure, I read some of the books she recommended, but I totally ignored Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and the other ersatz celebrities she created. I didn’t see Tom Cruise jump up and down on her sofa, although I would have paid to watch Tom Cruise jump up and down in the wagon’o’lard she wheeled onstage after having lost close to 70 pounds. One woman wrote a blog on which …

As far as natural disasters go, I’ll take hurricanes over earthquakes any day of the week. I am not making light of the destructive strength of any natural disaster; I am just saying that with hurricanes, there are weeks of warnings accompanied by dire theme songs from our local news teams. Fortunately, most Mo’towners can rest safely at night, knowing that we are light years away from those suspiciously shifting tectonic plates. Hurricanes are our very own natural disaster. We who grew up along the East Coast are familiar with the precautions and procedures associated with hurricanes. My …