Opinion: Miss Information

I've been counting down the days until "The Kidney Stone That Refused To Leave My Body" is forcibly extracted. I should be encouraged because that stubborn ball o’ pain has already travelled, unassisted, from my kidneys and is now lodged in, well, y'know. Too much information? I agree. But I’ve been in a holding pattern and my mind has been playing tricks on me.

For example, I actually broke my vow never to read the nasty comments that trickle into my column. People say some stupid things, and the fact that they're cowards to boot makes a sensible gal like me refrain from responding. But as I said, I was not in my right mind one day last week, drugged by Sandy and Stony. I saw a comment from a person named “Fed Up,” and in my delirium, I actually thought this person was thanking me and calling me a fount of information.

So, as a tribute to Fed Up, I’ve decided I need to take on a new persona. Fed Up accused me of fomenting unrest in town, except he/she didn’t use that word because he/she missed it on the SATs 20 or 30 years ago. No, Fed accused me of dealing in  “misinformation” and bang! Just like that, a new persona was born: “Miss Information,” purveyor of news, rumor and innuendo in happy li'l Moorestown.

No sooner had I hung out my shingle than my mailbox filled up with queries and questions, which showed a keen interest in our local and state government and a deep need for answers. Who better than Miss Information to demystify and enlighten? Herewith are some of the more relevant missives I’ve received:

Dear Miss Information,

When will we know the outcome of the town council race? The wife and I were planning a 'round-the-world vacation but cannot leave town until we know who won the third seat.

Thank you!

Lynch Mob

Dear Mr. Mob,

Thanks for your query. My advice to you is to go on your trip. It may take years to sort this one out.

________________

Dear Miss Info,

How can having one Democrat on town council be a good thing?

Thanks for nothing,

Yo Ma-Ma

Dear Yo Ho,

I have it on good authority that Greg Newcomer plays well with others and is good about sharing his toys. I also happen to think he has no hidden agenda, unlike other local politicos we’ve elected in the past. And the most exciting aspect of Greg possibly serving on town council is that Larry King has offered to share his vast collection of designer suspenders with Mr. Newcomer.

________________

Dear Miss Information,

What do you make of Governor Christie’s "man crush" on Bruce? Rather unbecoming, don’t you think?

Best wishes down there,

Farmer Jon Runyan

Dear Farmer,

The Gov has been crushing on Bruce for years. That’s what we true Jerseyans do. Although Springsteen publicly acknowledged Christie’s tireless work after the storm, a jealous Billy Joel posted Bruce on YouTube poking fun at the Big Guy, in a song parody of "4th of July, Asbury Park," also known, ironically, as “Sandy”:

            Christie, your blue fleece covers all of New Jersey tonight

            Blockin' the light from Newark to Vineland then south to Barnegat Light

            Down in Trenton the statehouse is filled with partisan peeps so dumb,      so selfish with no clue

            And the North Jersey crowd drives down the parkway to see if their beach             houses made it through

            When we talked on the phone I agreed to be friends but you're acting like a Latin lover down the shore ...

            I'm being chased by the Gov, I can't take it no more …

_______________

Dear Miss Information,

When can we expect some action at the Moorestown Mall?

Thanks,

Hungry Man

Dear Hungry,

If you’re looking for shoplifting action,it appears to be ongoing. If you’re talking about fine dining and drinks with tiny umbrellas, we’re hopeful that 2013 will see the beginning of an exciting era at the Mo’town Mall. Big projects in town tend to move as slowly as a glacier (see: Municipal Complex), so I would recommend you continue down Route 38 to the Cherry Hill Mall until we get our act together. I would caution you to parachute in, though, because it’s impossible to find a parking space.

_________________

Dear Miss Information,

What’s happening on Main Street?

Love,

Vera Bradlee

Good News, Vera!

In no time at all, we’ll have yet another pizzeria on Main Street! Realtors, banks, pharmacies and pizza joints—can a town ever have enough of those on the main drag? I don’t have a clue! Apparently no one else does either!